Latley it seems my brain has been clogged with thoughts, mostly negative ones. If I write them all out maybe I can understand them better and hopefully understand myself better. Im gonna start with work and its just not my job but my whole idea of what I should be doing with my life. All ive known since I started working is pets. Dogs, cats, barking, hair, drool, urine, poop, and stress. I understand every job has stress, there is no way to avoid it but I think im the kind of person that stress knows best. I handle it well on most days but other days I feel like running out the doors and never coming back. I know that there are times that I overreact, there is no doubt about that. I am a very self aware person. When I feel myself getting stressed in front of people I still try tomplay it cool. Theres no other option when you work with people, I smile, listen to them.. a lot of the time impatiently, but I do, and answer whatever question they may have with my best ability. Im also the kind of person that gets bored of doing the same job for long periods of time. Dont get me wrong I need routine and repetition, believe me ill get to the severity of my repetition later on, but I want to try new things too. I think I has to do with me not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have everything figures out in my life except that. My life is complete with the best family in the world. My best friend which is also my husband, I would be lost without him, even more lost than I am now. The only thing is my job and that is a huge part of one’s life. I do love animals but I dont know if that is what my calling is anymore. I have a deep interest in mental behavior and illnesses. If I were to go to school get my bachelors in psycology and then a masters in couseling so I could help people with the same things that I have gone through and more. But I dont have the patience for school. I also have a fear that what if I cant handle it.. again.. stress, and what if it turns out I dont love it. What if, what if, what if? That is all I can think about. A lot of people, probably most think of the what ifs but my brain is on overtime thinking of what ifs. I grew up always having those what if thoughts. I suffer from generalized anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. It is all ive ever known and to be honest it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I can remember at a young age that there was something different about the way my brain worked, then again its all ive ever known and I dont know how a brain worked without anxiety. Now being an adult I can handle it better but there are days that I just feel broken and beat down by my own thoughts. People with obsessive compulsive disorder have fears just like everyone else does. A lot of those fears are real fears to have and others are completly ridiculous and we know it, remember im a very self aware person and when I know im thinking or doing aomething ridiculous there is no doubting myself in that. Doubting is a big… no HUGE part of OCD. The way ive always explained it is that my brain doesnt believe my heart. My senses are on overtime trying to get my brain to connect with them. To help you underatand ill give you one of my fears. Since I was little I was worried someone would break into my family’s house at night while we were sleeping and hurt or kill us. That is a normal fear for people, yes? Well people with a normal thinking brain would make sure all the doors and windows were closed and locked… once, sometimes twice to make sure. Now, making sure for my brain is checking until my senses connect to my brain to tell it yes… stupid.. this door is locked. What I mean my senses is seeing that the lock is locked, feeling the lock is locked and pulling the handle to make sure that it for sure is locked. This could take 3 times or this could take 20 times, it goes until my brain can connect and know the door is locked. Thats only one of many things I would check. I would wait for my parents to go to bed at night and I qould get up and check, check, check, check, check. See how I did it 5 times… thats another thing, repetitiveness. It was so exhausting and I would just cry myself to sleep. I got help started medication and it changed my life. When stress starts in my life it is handled in a different way than others. I know I cant control the future but obsessions and compulsions are what I use to at least try to. Again self aware.. ridiculous. It is a disorder, a diagnosis. People say they have ocd all the time but they are just ritualistic habits that is all… unless they have been diagnosed. Well I could go on for days and days about OCD and my twisted relationship with it and my experiences with it but I will stop now. All I want in life is to be happy, I think every person in this world strives to be happy, that is the ultimate goal. Whether that goal is reached or not we always strive for it. I am 75 percent there. I am so blessed with what I have and who I have in my life and I wouldnt change any of it. The things I would change is the way I handle situations, the way I think… remember„ the what ifs. So that is all I have for now, maybe getting this out in writing will ease my stress and help me in someway.
"I think ultimately we know how to laugh, how to cry, we know how to be held tight, how to love back, we ALL know heartbreak, but the world keeps moving and we keep on moving with it and everything we experience makes us realize how beautiful life really is." - Britney Spears